Go Like A Pro: What’s Really Up with Female Urinary Devices?
Sometimes being a chick in the woods is a total drag. Have you ever tried to pee in a pile of snowy fluff? How about peeing with camp sandals on? In a harness? Let’s face it: no one likes to smell like pee. A female urinary device, or chick dick, gives you the total freedom to go with gusto and not have to worry about splatter and spillage. Here’s all you need to know about female urine funnels. From what to look for when you buy to how to use a female urinary device. Rock on ladies! Freedom is finally here!
Things are going to get graphic here, but sorry, not sorry. This is some #realtalk and there’s no need to be bashful. We all make bodily waste, regardless of sex. And if you’re one of those people who think chicks don’t fart, you’ve never been backpacking with a lady dirtbag before.
What the Heck is a Female Urine Funnel Anyway?
In essence, a female urinary device is a funnel with a small tube that allows you go standing up. I’ve heard it lovingly referred to as a chick dick. You don’t have to worry about a split stream, peeing down your butt, splashing your feet and clothing, or any of the other horrible things that can occur when you pop a squat. And let’s be honest, it’s really fun to spell your name with your own pee in the snow. Imagine doing that while hovering above the white, fluffy cold stuff! Hmm, maybe I’m on to the next twerking fad…
Free the Pee: Tips for First Timers
Actually getting yourself to pee while standing up takes a bit of practice. All of your life, you have been taught that this will end in disaster. My first time gave me stage fright, but after one use I was completely hooked.
Keep the seal between your body and the funnel tight. Don’t cut off circulation, but a firm hold helps! Be sure the tube is pointed in an upside-down banana shape (like a U), this will keep the stream pointed outward and not towards your toes. And always aim with the wind.
For the first few times, feel free to put your pants at your ankles like a toddler. Once you’ve got the hang of it you can easily make moves with your pants on and bum fully covered. Lastly, when you’re finished scoop up any drips by sliding the device past your lady parts. Toss the device away from you as you pull it across so any excess doesn’t dribble on your clothing. If you’re lucky, you won’t even have to wipe. Seriously lady dirtbags, it’s the best thing since Velcro!
What to Fabulous Features to Look for when Purchasing Your Female Urinary Device
When I carefully pulled the various knick-knacks out of my stocking last Christmas, I was thrilled to see a Sani-Fem Freshette at the bottom. Not kidding, I have been dropping obvious hints about this for several years. Squirrel looked a bit shocked at my excitement.
“I have no idea what I was looking for, so I just bought the most expensive one. I’m not entirely confident it’s even any good.” He stammered.
That typical male reply and logic work in Sani-Fem’s favor. Total marketing genius right there. However, after using the Freshette and speaking with a few of my mountain pals who also use chick dicks informed me that he made the correct choice.
You want a device with a hard-plastic funnel. This ensures a good seal between you and the device. I have never encountered any leakage with the Freshette. You also want to make sure it can collapse easily for quick, compact storage.
Shape also plays a role in finding your perfect wee companion. I prefer a wider funnel, simply because it won’t fill up too quickly and I don’t have to hold back if I really need to go.
Keeping Your Female Urinary Device Clean and Sparkly is a Breeze
The backcountry can be a dirty place, there’s no doubt about that. Many folks are grossed out by bodily functions. You aren’t one of them. After spending any amount of time in the outdoors living off of high-fat foods and salt without a shower, your definition of clean changes.
I keep my woman’s pee funnel wrapped up so she stays nice and protected. I wrap her in a bit of cloth or an old bandana so when I’m not using it, she doesn’t drip any excess into the contents of my pack. At the end of each day, I’ll pour a little bit of water through the system to clear out any residual urine. In winter, I’ll simply place her in the snow.
Upon returning home, the Freshette gets a warm, soapy scrub down with dish soap. Just like a man, I take pride in my junk, even if it’s plastic. I’ve used mine for multiple days, in dirty situations and never noticed a residual smell or buildup.
There you have it. An honest look at female urinary devices. Honestly, the ability to stand when you pee is something our male counterparts take for granted. With this handy go-hose, you’ll be able to experience a cleaner, better backcountry.